


used to fit

by loki (lokigurl)



Category: Gilmore Girls
Genre: Ficlet, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-08-07
Updated: 2002-08-07
Packaged: 2017-10-19 18:55:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/204148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lokigurl/pseuds/loki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It all used to fit so perfectly.<br/>It all used to fit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	used to fit

Dean drops the phone and wonders if his voice is as shaky as his hand. Wonders if she can hear the wavering in his voice in every other word. Wonders if she can feel the catch in his throat as he stumbles over her name. Wonders if she knows that it gets harder each time - trying to talk to her and have 'normal' conversations and be calm and be the good friend-boyfriend-ex-boyfriend, whatever the hell they are now.

 

He hopes she can't.

He hopes she can.

 

He feels it all slipping away - she doesn't love him anymore. Not the way she used to, if she ever did. Maybe he should have taken the hint so many nights ago when she needed time to think about it. The it being if she loved him. He's never had to think. Now there's someone new and he can't for the life of him figure out what she even sees in him. Or why he's been pushed to the side for this kid. And why she keeps lying about it. Sometimes he thinks that's what hurts the most - not that she's slowly leaving, but that she denies it every step of the way. Doesn't she know that it only makes it hurt worse? To watch the person you love let go of your hand millimeter by millimeter, wearing a sad, condescending smile the whole time?

 

He doesn't want to be let down gently.

He wants to be kicked to the floor.

 

It's getting to the point where he doesn't even want to talk to Rory anymore. Can't bear to fake his way through conversations which are only delaying the inevitable. He's almost told her this - that it was too difficult, that it simply ached too much to listen as she goes on about her day. But he can't _not_ talk to her because that means he won't be able talk to her. And he's not ready to do that yet. He's not that strong. So he bites his tongue when the words rush forth - forcing a barrier between his heart and his mind. Then he hears her sing-songy tone and there is something missing. That piece that fits in between "I love you" and "I need you" - the part that makes it all slide together so nicely.

 

It all used to fit so perfectly.

It all used to fit.

 

Dean thinks of things like cars and chickens and chocolate ice cream. Thinks of the girl who kept a security-blanket-book with her at all times and snuck breaks in busy parties to read. The girl who got so nervous after kissing him that she inadvertently swiped a box of cornstarch as she ran away. He remembers the girl who broke his heart and mushed it back together with kisses and hugs and apologetic tears. They were more than everything and better than all of Stars Hollow's festivals put together. Now he leaves unanswered phone calls and drags himself out of the house - away from the phone, the constant reminder that she isn't calling. That she hasn't called in days. He's fallen down, slipped into the crevice between wanting and needing and is so desperately trying to claw his way up.

 

He still wants her.

He doesn't want to need her.

 

It's like the past means nothing now - marathon phone calls and breakups and makeups and spending all day watching her read as he stretched out in the sun. And the simple fact that he'd be there anytime Rory needed him. That he was always there. For silly upsets and major problems, he'd be there. He misses the time when he didn't have to worry about calling - that it didn't make him nervous because he knew that something would be missing in her voice. When she would call him back and be right by his side when he needed her. It shouldn't feel like it was ages ago when it was only months.

 

He Xs the days in the calendar now.

One day more with her is one day more without her.

 

And he wants to know what the fuck happened without having to ask what the fuck happened. Because asking means that he's making.a.big.deal. out of things and that's not what he wants to do. Except, it is. Not a big deal, not some huge tantrum that everyone and their mother will know about (because, let's face it, everyone and their mother _will_ know about it), but he wants to know. Know where it started to go wrong and what he could have done differently and what he should be doing differently and why she suddenly doesn't love him so much anymore.

 

He would have done anything differently.

He still loves her just the same.


End file.
